Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Fuck you 2008!

Most of the time it has always sucked to have my birthday on New Year’s Eve. But this year I am so glad of it. I have heard that 29 is the worst year of your life so that you can look forward to 30, dear god I hope that’s true. Twenty nine, or the entire year of 2008, has sucked some huge donkey balls, and because I’m in a whiny mood I will go through it just so I can get it out.

I’ll start off with wrecking my lovely little Mini Cooper (I loved that car). I was going about 75 when I hit a wet spot and spun the shit out of it. Thankfully the wall dividing the two lines of freeway was kind enough to stop me. I had to take the train home and I could barely walk the next day. OK this happened in 2007 but was so close to 2008 that I’m throwing it in there.

I had to drive my dad’s convertible Saturn roadster that screams midlife crisis.

So I bought a used Honda Civic, those are reliable cars that can go for years with no problems. The next day the check engine light goes on, and I swear the guys at the dealership just started laughing.

My brother in-law came down with a very rare case of leukemia, we still don’t know if he is going to be OK.

I dumped my super-sweet boyfriend of eight years on the day he proposed.

I followed that up with two of the most soul draining, pathetic excuses for relationships in the existence of mankind (OK, they weren’t that bad but you get the drift).

Some guy in Chili stole $600 out of my account.

I got stranded on the freeway with no cell phone, and had to dodge traffic to get to the emergency phone. Later while waiting for the tow truck a police officer mistook me for a prostitute (I was wearing business casual the bastard).

I had to move back in with my mom. (Thankfully I was able to move out two months later, but it still sucked, and to be honest she does feed me so that’s always a plus.)

I almost burned my new apartment down due to a misunderstanding between me, the stove and a carton of free-range chicken eggs.

My car got rear-ended. Nearly took the bumper off, and of course there was no note.

I locked myself out of my apartment twice. The first time I had to call the very expensive locksmith, then I made copies of my keys and handed them out to everyone I ever knew.

My phone got turned off due to lack of funds.

Guy I went on three dates with, 6 months ago, won’t stop calling.

I still haven’t finished my thesis (totally my fault I just don’t want to do it anymore).

I threw my back out the day before my birthday/New Years/trip to Vegas.

Though I’ve bitched I had a lot of fun this year they just weren’t a memorable as the bad times.

But there is a bottle of champagne waiting to ease me through the last little bit of this year and into what will hopefully be a much better next one. It's weird but I really am looking forward to 30. Oh wait I am officially 30, this sucks.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Damn I'm getting old

Ah only one day until I turn thirty and my body has already decided to give up on me. Stupid body.

Since the holidays are almost over I decided to get a jump start on the exercising so I could give up on it earlier this year. So Sunday night I went for a run. Thankfully it was super cold so I was able to keep running because all I wanted to do was get back into my nice warm apartment. About a block from house was a little silver Chevy Cavalier sitting in the middle of the intersection, the idiot driver had run out of gas — thirty feet from a Chevron.

No one was stopping so I said I would help push (I’m 5’7” and a staggering 107 lbs so I don’t know what I thought I could do). But I think people began to feel bad when they saw me doing my best impression of a broom trying to move a car, and so some strapping lads came over and actually got the car moving and into the gas station. (Ok, I moved it a bit but then we hit a small incline and lost all momentum and the dumb chick could not figure out how to steer and push at the same time.)

Anywho, the next day I was a little stiff but nothing too bad. Today I can barely move. My back is in so much pain I’m almost in tears. I didn’t even run that far, it had to be that stupid Chevy, see if I’m ever a good Samaritan again (on a side note I did play the Good Samaritan in the school play in high school, also the Wise Virgin, of which I am neither).

Why body would you do this to me? Couldn’t you wait until I got back from celebrating my birthday and New Years in Las Vegas?

No matter I will have a good time in Vegas even if I have to drink my weight in alcohol to numb the pain.

Of course this is kind of a fitting ending to what has had to be the worst year of my life. I really can’t wait to kiss it goodbye.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I guess my life has become rather pathetic. I was moved to tears the other day because I got a little space heater — and it worked. Seriously, just the act of warming up my room 10 degrees above freezing has made this a stellar week for me. If anything else goes right I’ll probably have to kill myself because I’ll know I’ve reached my peak and it just can’t get any better.

Last week I got sick. I hate being sick and living by myself in a freezing little closet of an apartment. There’s no one there to whine too and when you open the fridge and realize that all you have is a can of tuna fish but no can opener (why I bought this can without this all-important accessory in my possession is still a mystery to me) and some mustard, you have no one to go get food but yourself.

I bundled myself up and headed out the door. Sure, I looked like I had ebola and I’m pretty sure that fluids were dripping out of not only my nose but my eyes and mouth as well, but I was on my way. The market was only two blocks from my apartment so not too bad. Except I went when I was starving so I bought way too much and overestimated my arm strength. I had to stop and rest about five times on the lengthy two-block return trip. By the time I had returned home I was so exhausted that I had to take a nap before I was able to make any food.

But I wised up. Not wanting to go through this rigmarole again I headed to my mom’s place for the weekend where she fed me and turned her heater on.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Hanging out with other bloggers

Well I hung out with Ms. Puddin on Saturday night and I was highly amused. I was also offered $1,000 to give a blow job so I can definitely say things were interesting. (No, I didn’t take the offer, I’m a lady I’ll have you know. Anyways I’m pretty sure I could have gotten more.)

I swear I was planning on having only a couple of beers and then heading home. But one thing lead to another and I ended up scraping up my palms and bashing up my knees on the sidewalk when the girl who was giving me a piggy back ride took a nose dive. I wasn’t hurt but the other poor girl got a little cut up. Probably didn’t help that I was rolling on the ground laughing.

I was a little sad that there was no fence jumping, and when I left Ms. P’s panties were (I think) still firmly on her ass. But I realize I am just a pathetic drinker who can’t actually keep up with a five-year-old. Well at least I’m a cheap date.